Category Archives: Commentary

A Self-Publishing Primer (From a Not-Very-Successful Self-Published Writer)

Preface

The following is a slightly modified version of a piece I wrote up for an MFA class that was kind enough to want to talk to me about my self-publishing adventures. I’d been meaning to write a blog post along these lines for a while, so I’m glad I finally had an excuse to get these thoughts written up. I present them with all appropriate disclaimers: these are merely my thoughts and opinions, based on my subjective experience, and they may prove only that I didn’t know anything at all about self-publishing. Yet in the hopes that they are helpful for others, here they are.

 

I. What I Got From Self-Publishing

The language around the growing number of powerful self-publishing options strikes me as either far too apocalyptic or annoyingly evangelical. Readers are too savvy not to notice signs of mediocrity, and becoming a bestselling author is just as much of an uncommon event for a self-published writer as it is for one traditionally published.

Yet still! Attending a writers’ meet-up recently in New York, I heard a self-published author say things like, “Put your book on Amazon, get ten friends to give it positive reviews, and guess what? Magic happens. Your work starts selling.” She claimed her chick-lit book was earning her thousands of dollars a month. It felt like we were being told there was gold in them thar hills.

Advice from lottery winners about the ease of winning the lottery may not prove accurate on a larger scale.

Of course, it’s also true that my experiences may be equally unusual. Certainly for some writers, like Amanda Hocking and E L James, the vein was rich indeed. I likewise have no doubt that David Mamet and Stephen King and any other already-known name will make trainloads of money on the ebook market. But not everyone found the Colorado Lode when they went west, and not everyone will become a self-publishing success story. I’ve made under two hundred dollars during the last nineteen months of my self-publishing life, which is better than nothing (I will most certainly take it!), but nowhere near life changing.

Magic, alas, did not happen for me.

Honestly, though, if you’re in this for the money (whether from traditional or independent publishing), you’re probably in the wrong business. Get into finance. Learn to code iPhone apps. Open a business and buy for a dollar and sell for two. Anything else, really. Just don’t be a writer. Most writers I know suffer a lot and earn not that much.

What I did get from self-publishing was the energy to write again. I dumped all my old stories that had been rejected for years and years (that I still for whatever reason adored enough not to throw out) into a collection and hit the publish button. It cleared the table. After that, I had nothing to do but write new stuff. And I won’t lie: having self-publishing as a fallback measure makes me feel safe. Whatever I write, I can publish.

I also got a piece of fan mail. It was the first and only one I’ve ever received, but what a moment. We’ve since become good friends, and that’s definitely the single best thing that’s happened as a result of my decision to self-publish.

But who cares about all this preamble. Everyone has a chance to win the lottery. So say you want to give it a shot.  Here are a few things that I’ve learned from my experience.

 

II. What You Might Want to Pay For and What You Might Not

Be suspicious of anything that costs you money. This especially applies to anyone who wants to print your book or format it. DO NOT PAY THESE PEOPLE! With a little effort, there’s no reason you can’t do most of the formatting yourself.

Also do not do what I did and pay for things like:

* ISBNS: I bought ten of them. Used two when I didn’t have to. Now they sit there. Need some?

* Banner ads on websites, or ads anywhere: Guaranteed to not get you the exposure or generate the revenue you’re looking for.

* Too many proof copies: A silly mistake I made, but I was excited. I ordered a box of improperly formatted books. The truth is that you should use the online tools well, and only order one proof copy at a time, because you will make mistakes and no one really wants the broken books.

Also, I never paid for any reviews, nor do I think buying one from a place like Kirkus is a good idea. It costs more than you’re likely to earn, and I’ve read too many stories about people who paid for them and saw no increase in revenue. You’d do better to give your $5K to charity.

What I would pay for, if I could afford it:

* Professional cover art: By far, one of the most important things you can have is a great cover. I don’t. Not really. And guess what? My books don’t sell.

* Proofreading / Editing: It’s so expensive, but it might be worth it. I didn’t go down this road, but a lot of others have. Nothing beats a good editorial eye. Personally, I didn’t have the money to pay for an editor (or anything else, for that matter), so I adopted a practice of reading every story aloud until I could get through it twice without changing a word. I also recorded these readings, so I could listen to the stories on my daily commute. I caught a lot of mistakes, and every time I did, I realized how fallible I really and truly am. Good editors are the stuff of dreams. Someday, I hope to have one.

* Writing classes and books: The best investments you could ever make.

 

III. How to Do the Technical Stuff

All ebooks are essentially stripped-down HTML–the cleaner the better. Basically, my process for converting a document to an ebook is to write it in Word, save it as a Web page, open it in Calibre (free ebook conversion software that I’ll provide a link to), and convert it into an epub that I upload wherever I need to.

Where it gets tricky is if things go wrong in the conversion process. Usually, this happens due to some garbage Word throws in there. So if you’re really having trouble, I’d suggest formatting your book or story as a basic webpage (using Notepad or some other basic text editor that won’t throw in a lot of crap formatting), using the following formatting:

Start with basic HTML.

<html>

<head></head>

<body>

<h1>Wrap chapter titles in header tags, like the ones here.</h1>

<p>Wrap all paragraphs in paragraph tags, like the ones wrapping this line.</p>

<p>Some more fanciness: <strong>Put any bold words in strong tags.</strong> and <em>any italicized words in em tags.</em></p>

<p>After you have your document formatted like this, close out the html.</p>

</body>

</html>

That’s all you need to do to format a document properly. From here, Calibre should be able to do the rest for you, whether you need your document converted to a .mobi file for Kindle, or an .epub for just about everyone else. (And for what it’s worth, I always had more success uploading epubs to Kindle rather than .mobi files, which is sort of funny.)

Calibre allows you to attach a cover image to your book, as well as tweaking some basic information about it (though don’t get worried about this, as I don’t know if any of the other publishing platforms take the information Calibre puts in there seriously).

In Calibre, my process is generally to convert to epub, but I set a couple of special options.

* Structure Detection: In this window, I enter the following in the field that reads “Insert page breaks before (XPath expression)”:

//h:*h1

What this does is create a section break before any of those chapter title tags I recommended earlier that can be interpreted by the table of contents auto-generator. This makes for easier navigation on an e-reader.

* Table of Contents: To complete the process, check the box under this window for ‘Force Use of Auto-Generated Table of Contents’

And that’s really all I do. I encourage you to play around, experiment, and test! Calibre comes with a mock ebook reader, which is okay, but almost all the platforms have some kind of previewing mechanism, which I encourage you to download and use.

One last tip: If you really want to get into the nitty-gritty of an ebook, download a free one without any copyright protection on it, open it in Calibre, right click and choose ‘Tweak eBook.’ From there, click the button to ‘Explode Book’ (a delightful option), and you will be able to browse all the little bits and pieces that make up a valid ebook.

 

IV. Resources & Links

Calibre – http://calibre-ebook.com The single best tool for converting almost every kind of document to any other kind of document. A must for anyone turning things into ebooks.

FlightCrew – https://code.google.com/p/flightcrew The epub validator I use, however you can find and experiment with a number of them online. Just don’t pay for one.

Createspace – https://www.createspace.com My choice for creating a physical book to sell on Amazon and Barnes and Noble (and for just getting a cheap copy printed for yourself!). There’s no minimum number to buy, and a paperback copy of your book (designed by you!) will remain permanently in stock all over the place without you needing to spend a dime. I cannot stress enough how absolutely cool print on demand services like this really are. CreateSpace is affiliated with Amazon, so linking your ebook to your paperback is a piece of cake.

Smashwords – http://www.smashwords.com – A great overall site, which I don’t use. I might, someday, just to reach a few more markets. I like their coupon-generation ability, and their royalty rates can sometimes be higher, however exposing your book to Amazon through them is a bit trickier than I think it should be. Be sure to read their ‘Secrets eBook,’ which contains excellent tips on the self-publishing game – http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/145431

Lulu – http://www.lulu.com A decent clone of Smashwords, if for some reason you don’t like Smashwords.

Kindle Direct Program – https://kdp.amazon.com Amazon’s self-publishing portal. Easy to use, tricky to truly master, but Amazon is certainly where the bulk of my sales have been. It’s accounted for 99% of my sales. So if you’re going to self-publish, don’t ignore them.

iTunes Connect – https://itunesconnect.apple.com/WebObjects/iTunesConnect.woa The portal to publishing your book on Apple’s iBookstore, where I’ve made the least amount of money.

Nook Press – https://www.nookpress.com The portal to selling your work on Barnes and Noble’s website.

Duotrope – https://duotrope.com For people looking to go the traditional route, or find the perfect little niche market to sell a reprint of a story they’ve self-published, this site (which requires a bit of money but is worth every penny) is one I’ve found indispensable. A rich database of markets and their response times, Duotrope puts anything I ever saw from Writer’s Market to complete shame. Thanks to this site, I usually have anywhere from 3-12 pieces out for rejection at any given time, and I’ve made a personal pledge to myself to never again let the number of responses outnumber the number of submissions I have in the wind.

 

V. About Amazon & Pricing Strategies

Amazon likes to push you into a little exclusivity agreement. The sales pitch is that Amazon users can read your book as part of the Kindle Owner’s Lending Library, and that any copies borrowed in such a way will earn you a portion of a monthly pot of gold (usually somewhere between 500,000 and 1,000,000 dollars). It does end up being a little more than you’d usually make on the 35/70% royalty, and it seems better for Kindle owners, who don’t have to pay for your book. You also get five days every ninety days you’re in the program to offer your book free of charge to Amazon customers, which can generate a lot of exposure.

The catch is that you can’t sell your book anywhere else.

In the end, I guess I’ve made so little from the other markets that it shouldn’t bother me to only sell through Amazon.

But it does. It’s the principle of the thing. Exclusivity rubs me the wrong way. I don’t like any organization that seeks to limit the audience for a book. Sure, Borders or Barnes and Noble would no doubt sell more copies of a book than Book Marcs (an old bookstore I spent a lot of time in), but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to let Book Marcs stock it.

Of course, Barnes and Noble have aligned themselves on the side of exclusivity in the self-publishing wars, as well, stating in the past that they wouldn’t stock any physical copies of books produced by Amazon.

I hate it all.

As for my favorite part — the five days you can give you book away to customers — you can get that without going exclusive. Simply do what I did and offer it for free somewhere else, like Barnes and Noble or iTunes. Amazon will figure out you’ve set a lower price somewhere, and they’ll start giving your book away to everyone under their “Free Price Match Guarantee” until you change your anti-capitalist ways.

I gave my book away for several months, until it occurred to me that people would have almost zero inclination to read a book they picked up for free. So now I charge $.99, which makes me look only slightly more reputable.

Pricing your book is a gentle art, which you should play around with. Experiment. Track sales. Change it up or down, and never assume the answer to greater sales is to cut the price. Sometimes, a higher price signifies better quality, and the Amazon $.99 bin starts looking like a garbage can, or just another pile of ignorable slush.

Which for the most part is exactly what it is.

 

VI. How to Promote Your Book (i.e., Social Networking is a Waste of Time, and read something other than this primer)

Twitter and Facebook are not the tools you should use to market your book. They do not work, and hounding your followers or your friends will get you LESS attention, rather than more. So forget about it.

I also have limited faith in the power of a blog. Also, shouldn’t you focus on writing stories rather than blog posts, anyway? [asked the writer, in a post on his blog.]

Promote your book by giving it a good title that accurately describes what it’s about, a great cover that conveys the tone and looks professional, and a carefully crafted description that makes people want to read your book and is coded with words important for search engine optimization.

Yeah. And I have no idea how to do this part of it. I’m terrible at it. Instead, I’m going to point you to a book I read that convinced me I was doing everything wrong:

http://www.amazon.com/Blogging-Facebook-Guerilla-Marketers-ebook/dp/B007XVWEIU

It’s a good book that I should read again and do a better job of learning from, and it supports some of the more contentious points I’ve made in this primer, which I hope you’ve found useful.

That said …

 

VII. A Special Offer for Everyone (While My Time Lasts)

Even with all these resources, I often ran up against challenges (often with the technical, idiosyncratic formatting issues that prevented the book being listed with iTunes). Luckily, I have a background as an Internet applications developer, so I was able to troubleshoot. The solutions were often simple tricks, easy to implement if you know how, and I encourage you to at least try to learn how to do it yourself before paying someone hundreds of dollars to do something that only takes a few minutes.

For that reason, I’d like to offer myself as a resource if any of you have technical trouble self-publishing ebook versions of your stories. Please, don’t hesitate to send me an e-mail with any and all questions, technical or otherwise, at daukherville [at] gmail [dot] com, or ask a question in the comments below. I might not have a good answer for everything, but I’m more than happy to share everything I do know.

And good luck out there! I hope you become hugely successful writers–self-published or otherwise.

Give ‘em hell.


There, Where I Saw Someone Had Left a Message (I Think They Used Finger-Paints)

The Universe is a saucy little minx. The Universe knows how to mix it up, send a message, take names, make a list, and spike a drink.

The Universe has all the time it needs. The Universe doesn’t mind telling you what your problem is. The Universe doesn’t know why you’re always in such a goddamn hurry. 

The Universe has a substance abuse problem.

The Universe doen’t give a fuck.

But The Universe cares.

The Universe laughs at its own jokes. Every time!

The Universe looks at itself with your eyes, touches itself with your hands, smells its neighbor’s ass with your neighbor’s neighbor’s dog’s nose, tastes itself with an old man’s tongue, and listens to itself even with the ears of the deaf.

The Universe already knows when you’re going to die.

The Universe is going to win, it’s going to lose, and it’s going to be here after all your teams are finished playing all their games and all the people who remember those games have decomposing brains.

The Universe values that bag in the wastebasket beside you just as much as it values the emergence of multicellular lifeforms.

If the Universe continues into the future without you, does it still exist? Do you?

The Universe leased you a few cells, and you’re behind on your payments. The repo man is looking for you.

The Universe pays you a per diem from a wallet stuffed full of what happens next. Layoffs are coming soon.


What Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” Law Should Really Be Called

After this weekend’s burial of another black youth shot for no good reason (he was in the back seat of a car playing music some white asshole thought was too loud before opening fire and claiming he felt threatened), maybe it’s time Florida re-branded their “Stand Your Ground” Law. Might be time for a name change, face-lift … something.

Here are my suggestions for new, more accurate names.

What “Stand Your Ground” Really Means


Open Letter to Critics Who Use October as a Chance to Bash in the Skull of the Horror Genre

Dearest hand-wringers,

What’s the matter, somebody spook you? A filmmaker give you one too many jump scares? There, there.

It’s pretty unfair you have to watch movies you don’t like as part of your job. But go ahead and cry it out and write your pained columns. Everyone likes to complain about the parts of his or her job she or he hates the most. Of course, plumbers sometimes have to clean septic tanks, and you don’t see them crying to the heavens, wondering why the government has allowed septic tanks to be placed in backyards across the land, but let’s face it — they’re heroes. If I ever found myself trying to fix a septic tank, I would definitely cry, climb out of my beshitted situation, thwap my wet brown gloves to the ground, and tell whatever homeowners there were to just move to a city already and be a more eco-responsible (before writing to my representative to outlaw rural life entirely).

I’ve been reading a lot about why horror is a bad thing and about how Paranormal Activity 4 is terrible and awful and pointless.

I’m not a weatherman, but I’m pretty sure the general quality of Paranormal Activity 4 was forecast by its three predecessors, but I get your point. I see what you’re saying. How could you have known really? Also, average kitchen life should only be reported with such dry realism in French New Wave films. Nevermind that the rhythms of this particular franchise fly in the face of the frenetic splatter of the Saw franchise, as well as general assumptions about audience attention spans in general.

Kids, these days! They like … all sorts of stuff. So hard to pin them done so we can make a consistent criticism, so just … waaaaaaah.

But you didn’t want to go. I know. The voices at work made you do it–the voices of your bosses.

In other news, you wanna know what I did today? I don’t like spicy peppers–hate ‘em, they give me all sorts of stomach trouble. But today I said heck with it, Subway’s offering jalapeños so I will have them load my sandwich with jalapeños. Man, did I not like it. So I yelled at the sandwich guy. I asked him, “Why do you have this shit here? This shit ruins sandwiches! What kind of crazy organization is this?!” And I threw the rest of that footlong right in his face. I don’t know what the world’s coming to, where people like to put shit in sandwiches that just makes them painful to eat. It’s abusive.

Then I went home and turned on Fox News. I don’t know why. It made me feel ill, watching that crap after all that spicy food, so I went out to Navy Pier and bought a ticket on the Wave Swing ride. My vomit went in all sorts of directions. Why do people let obviously ill people ride such things? I’ll never know. I made the guy I puked on give me a refund. What a jerk he was to let me on without a warning. I mean, he did warn me; he asked me if I was feeling well, but he shouldn’t have operated it to begin with, me being in the state I was in.

I had to chew a habañero just to get the taste of vomit out of my mouth. You realize how hot those things are?! Man! And they sell them in the supermarkets with NO WARNING!

I had a kid once, but I didn’t know really what it was going to be like, having it for a whole week, so I left it by the side of the road. I hope someone picked it up. Otherwise … man. Who knows what happened to it!

Wonder if it grew up to like spicy peppers. Or if it even grew up at all.

My point is, I’m grateful you’re looking out. It’s good of you to take the role of a human public service announcement, warning us of such dangerous genres in the broadest possible terms. It’s like I wish someone had warned me from embracing rap music, or free verse poetry–some things should just be nipped in the bud before we end up haplessly stumbling into them.

Someone’s gotta watch where I’m going.

Lovingly,
Kristopher


A Very Few Special Words About Why I Love Horror

I get asked this question a lot, and I always feel like I’m being asked why I like strangling small furry animals (I don’t actually like strangling small furry animals — I much prefer feeding them and turning them against their owners!). So, while I was listening to the Beyond the Pale radio show on my way to sit and watch Paranormal Activity 4, all the while reading a little Jack Ketchum in between everything else … I paused and tried to think for a moment what it is about all that stuff I find so compelling.

I don’t want to waste a lot of words explaining why I love what I love. Fans of romantic comedies don’t have to justify why they like pap. But horror fans are singled out; it’s a bit unfair, but it doesn’t seem like it’ll ever change. So fuck it. I’ll answer the question.

A large part of what I love about horror is not necessarily being scared, but rather I just fucking love being in a world that feels more like home to me than anywhere else. Being scared is part of it, though, because being scared and feeling overwhelmed by a dangerous, powerful world is also more recognizable to me than the world depicted in your average Ashton Kutcher flick.

And really — that’s it. It’s that simple for me. Sometimes the monsters are my heroes, something they’re my nightmares, but all of it feels like it’s part of a world where I came from, a world that makes sense to me.

In other words, it always feels like home.

It may not for you. And that’s cool. We’re just not from the same place, capice?


Slender: The Scariest Video Game I’ve Ever Played, And I Can Only Play it For Ten Minutes

I originally found out about this game from Kotaku. Since then, I’ve downloaded the game, played it maybe six or seven times, each time for probably less than ten minutes before screaming, getting chills, ripping my headphones off, and stepping away from my computer.

It’s a free game. You can download it right now and try it yourself.

The creator, AgentParsec, says via YouTube: “I didn’t expect this to be popular; I made it for practice so I could learn Unity, and was only really intending to post it to a few forums I frequent.”

Sometimes, beautiful things are created by accident. The game’s modest design works in its favor. Sometimes, the simpler you make your horror story, the scarier it becomes. I even like how when you die, the game just flat-out quits. No ‘play again’. No ‘new game’. Just blip. You’re done. Like not only did the Slenderman get you, he fucked with your computer, too.

Honestly, Slender may well be the scariest game I’ve ever played — and I’ve played a lot of horror games. Resident Evil, Silent Hill, Dead Space–all are great series with a lot of great scares, but nothing so far has been this effective from the very first seconds.

You have a flashlight. The batteries will run out, so you should shut it off when you can. You’re in the woods and need to collect eight pages, scattered around the area. You’d better keeping moving, though. He follows you. And he’s fast. I don’t know if he walks. It seems to me more that he jumps forward once you spot him.

Be careful, though … his blank white face can look a lot like a page from twenty feet away.

I have yet to collect more than three pages. The first one is easy, usually. After that, he starts to come after you.

It’s funny how many of my rules for horror this game follows: it’s really hard to win, making the bad guy pretty lethal and dropping a serious feeling of doom over the proceedings; there are no cops, no guns, no monologuing villains (in fact, there’s no dialogue at all); and atmosphere? It has that in spades, but it doesn’t overdo it.

If you like being scared shitless, try playing this game. It’s an amazing testament to the power of independent games.

love it.

Now I’m going to have to go try it again …

(fuck you, Slenderman, those pages are MINE!)


Fifty Ways I Shake My Head (at the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy)

Fifty Shades of GreySifting through the Fifty Shades trilogy, I started paying more attention to patterns than to the plot. Perhaps E L James (choosing to respect her apparent wishes to drop the periods after her initials) repeated the phrase “you are one fucked up bitch” six times in Fifty Shades Darker in order to aid rote memorization, perhaps not, but I’m sure Homer wouldn’t have done it any differently. At any rate, I embarked on my own odyssey in search of something all the books in the trilogy shared; something which could pull the whole series together.

Well, I think I’ve found it. Appearing at least fifteen times in each book as simply “I shake my head,” the phrase runs through E L James’s book like a true idée fixe, sometimes appearing only a sentence after its last appearance!

But E L James is nothing if not creative, and she shows us many different ways of shaking one’s head. Here are more than fifty cumulative ways of shaking one’s head, as found throughout the Fifty Shades series. (And, yes, it’s possible I missed some. I shake my head at science!)

From Fifty Shades of Grey:

  1. “I shake my head, disturbed at the direction of my thoughts…”
  2. “I shake my head to gather my wits.”
  3. “I shake my head, because I just don’t know.”
  4. “I shake my head, and he heads to the counter.”
  5. “I shake my head at her in a back-off now Kavanagh way – but I might as well be dealing with a blind, deaf mute.”
  6. “I shake my head, not daring to tell him and keep my eyes on my food.”
  7. “I shake my head. Not for food.”
  8. “I shake my head, so much to think about.”
  9. “I shake my head in defeat.”
  10. “I shake my head to concentrate on the task at hand.”
  11. “I shake my head in disbelief.”
  12. “I shake my head, and she rolls her eyes at me.”
  13. “I shake my head as I wander back inside.”
  14. “I shake my head resigned and grasp Christian’s toothbrush.”
  15. “I shake my head at the realization.”
  16. “I shake my head at his largesse, and I frown as a scene from Tess crosses my mind: the strawberry scene.”
  17. “I shake my head as the thought crosses my mind that Christian might have purchased the adjacent seat so that I couldn’t talk to anyone. “
  18. “I shake my head amused, and before I realize it, I roll my eyes at him.”

From Fifty Shades Darker:

  1. “I shake my head and flush before taking a less confrontational approach.”
  2. “I shake my head, confused.”
  3. “I shake my head, equally puzzled.”
  4. “I shake my head, but my heart is in my mouth.”
  5. “I shake my head in disapproval because of the expense, but deep down I love it.”
  6. “I shake my head, trying to clear my mind.”
  7. “I shake my head—Christian Mindfuck Grey.”
  8. “I shake my head, disgusted at myself…”
  9. “I shake my head sleepily. No way.”
  10. “I shake my head, remembering my body bowed and wanting beneath his expert hands.”
  11. “I shake my head in disbelief.”
  12. “I shake my head at the screen, but figure I cannot continue to argue with him over e-mail.”
  13. “I shake my head to reassure him.”
  14. “I shake my head and stare out my window at the gray Seattle day, feeling forlorn.”
  15. “I shake my head as I realize I need to start communicating.”
  16. “I shake my head and clutch José’s hand.”
  17. “I shake my head and clamber unsteadily to my feet.”
  18. “I shake my head at him—he’s actually being serious?”
  19. “I shake my head thinking about my mythical father.”

From Fifty Shades Freed:

  1. “I shake my head slowly, deliberately, trying to look as serious as possible. He closes his eyes and shakes his head then tilts his head back in surrender.”
  2. “I shake my head . . . one day, maybe.”
  3. “I shake my head, causing him to release my ear and gaze up at him.”
  4. “I shake my head to emphasize my point.”
  5. “I shake my head in frustration but I’m grateful that he’s telling Miss Provocative-And-Unfortunately-Good-At-Her-Job just who’s in charge.”
  6. “I shake my head vehemently.”
  7. “I shake my head, and his brow furrows once more.”
  8. “I shake my head in resignation.”
  9. “I shake my head in denial…”
  10. “I shake my head and reach up to caress his lovely face.”
  11. “I shake my head, unable to speak.”
  12. “I shake my head as I recall my distressing, tense encounter…”
  13. “I shake my head mutely.” (Ed. note: is there any other way?)
  14. “I shake my head and sigh loudly.” (Ed. note: shouldn’t have asked!)
  15. “I shake my head, exasperated at myself and at Hannah . . . “
  16. “I shake my head as Taylor sets off toward the hospital.”
  17. “I shake my head and pick up his socks and tie, and fold his jacket over my arm.”
  18. “I shake my head and gingerly get out of bed.”
  19. “I shake my head slowly, deliberately, trying to look as serious as possible.”

This kind of laser-like thematic focus is rare, folks.  Truly impressive stuff.


One of My Favorite Films I Don’t Talk About Enough

If you haven’t seen one of my favorite films, The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover … well. The loss is yours. It is everything I ever want from a film. Beauty. Ugliness. Fantastic horrors. Powerlessness, rebellion, and goddamn satisfaction.

Not for all tastes. (Well, okay … that’s an understatement AND a pun!)

In the meantime, please to enjoy this rousing cinematic score.  I listen to this music, and I get inspired to do better.

(If you’ve seen the film, it’s even more delicious.)


Goodbye, Youkilis

The heart of a champion. A hard worker with a strange stance and a hell of an eye. Not to mention, he holds the Red Sox club record for number of times hit by a pitch (he was pelted eighty-six times). Additional details from the email I just got from RedSox.com:

“Youkilis, 33, has hit .233 with seven doubles, a triple, four home runs, 14 RBI and 25 runs in 42 games for the Red Sox this season. A three-time All-Star who was selected by the Red Sox in the eighth round of the 2001 First-Year Player Draft, Youkilis owns a .287 career average with 239 doubles, 17 triples, 133 home runs, 564 RBI, 594 runs, 494 walks and 26 stolen bases in 953 career games with Boston. Youkilis won World Series titles with the club in 2004 and 2007, earned a Gold Glove in 2007 and was the 2008 AL recipient of the Hank Aaron Award.”

Yeah. I say thank you for that.

Watching his final at-bat today, I wanted to be at Fenway, on my feet and cheering for him. Youk’s long been my favorite player, and he went out today with style, hitting an RBI-triple and digging in for a great slide to third, proving once again his willingness to end the day covered in dirt.

I hate Bobby Valentine a little for the disrespectful comments, but that’s Bobby Valentine for you. He’s not one to watch what he says, and that makes him more fun to listen to than, I don’t know, say, Bill Belichick? But yeah — I wish he hadn’t made Youk his enemy.

Because Youk represents what the Red Sox are about. They’re a team that can be the best and the worst, all at the same time. Last year was an absolutely stellar season for the Red Sox, bookended by an atrocious beginning and an historically terrible collapse. People can focus on the fried chicken and beer stories all they want, but what I refuse to forget is that in between all the tragedy, they were unstoppable. A great player in a slump … man, that’s just Red Sox baseball to the core. The potential is always there, but every damned day it’s anything can happen day.

The club fought through the curse. But fight they had to. And that’s the hardest part: it’s stepping up to the plate with all the voices in your head and not giving up. Working hard, no matter what your average or your stats may be, no matter if you’re feeling cursed or not — that’s something I love to see in my Red Sox players, no matter how bad the season gets. And Youk had it in spades.

As for the new guy, Will Middlebrooks, whose blazing talent has sort of pushed Youk out of the lineup … I’m looking forward to watching him continue to light it up.

I just won’t forget Youk. Guy has the heart of a champion, and I’m sorry to see him go.


Film Review: The Cabin in the Woods (2012)

I’ve been following this film for a long time (it was originally filmed in 2009, but its release was delayed by MGM’s bankruptcy), protecting myself from spoilers, dreaming of a fresh new genre deconstruction that’s also a great horror film in its own right.

Having now seen the film, I don’t understand the media embargo regarding spoilers. The entire plot of the movie has, actually, been given away by the official trailer. And if it hadn’t been given away in the trailer, the basic conceit is given away in the first five minutes of the actual film. Written by Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard and directed by Goddard, the film looks to be a clone of The Evil Dead, but ends up being more like The Evil Dead mashed together with the Initiative from season four of Whedon’s Buffy, except instead of being run by Lindsay Crouse, this paramilitary group is run by — well, I guess I can’t say. The day-to-day operations are handled by Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins (my favorite characters), with Amy Acker saying some lines over their shoulders.

I wanted a lot from this movie, perhaps too much. When I saw the 92% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, I thought I was in for a treat. Sad to say, I was let down. The Cabin in the Woods is not a bad film; it’s just not a great one, and it’s disrespectful of its own genre. I enjoyed it far less than last year’s Tucker and Dale vs. Evil. Cabin is slicker and savvier, but it’s also lacking any really likable characters, which given Whedon’s presence as co-scriptwriter, surprised me. Kristen Connolly’s Dana is no Sydney Prescott, and Fran Kranz’s stoner Marty is such an obnoxious, selfish twit he nearly ruins the film single-handedly (I also hated this actor a lot in Whedon’s Dollhouse, and my opinion of him has only grown worse).  The film is also not very scary or funny (it made me laugh a couple times and scared me not once). The trouble with the movie’s monsters is that they seem like the off-brand versions of villains we know too well. Instead of Hellraiser‘s Pinhead, we get a vaguely S&M-ish guy holding a puzzle sphere with saw-blades in his face. The film ends up less involving than if someone took the posters of a thousand horror films, cut them up, threw them on the floor, and then pissed on them to make them less recognizable.

Now I’m going to discuss the specific things I didn’t like about the movie. In detail. Get out now if you want to see this for yourself; spoilers after the jump.

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