I’m So Mad I Could Write a Cryptic Facebook Post About You

I mean, because then you’d see, by God, and, oh, how it would burn! Imagine it: scrolling through your happy little social networking news feed, reading about this one and that one’s kids, so-and-so’s bar-drinking fun, the other one’s vacation in Patagonia, and then BAM! You see “Kristopher Kelly is fucking PISSED OFF!” Like, whoa! Is it about you? Is it not? You don’t know, you can’t say, but you get a feeling that it’s certainly possible you did something wrong, but what could it be?

Ha! As if I’d tell you! That’s how fucking PISSED OFF I am at you! You made me carpet-bomb all my other Facebook friends for the sake of sending my lily-livered vitriol through a system of tubes, and now everyone’s wondering, everyone’s worried, and no one knows who did what to me. My post is just a big bright shining middle finger to–well, everybody, really.

You’re so vain, you’ll probably even want my post to be about you.

But my update will just stand there moping, like some douche at a dance standing in a dark corner, arms crossed, a sour look on his face, waiting for someone to come up and beg a cheerful attitude out of him, because it’s awesome to sit and seethe and make other people do the hard work of getting you to talk. Eventually, someone else will post beneath my post, asking me, “What happened?” And I’ll reply, “Nothing. Just some people, you know? Tired of JERKS!” And the other person will agree, and we’ll post a few more lines about jerks as a general construct, maybe even “like”-ing it up, clicking all over each other’s posts and suckling on each other’s thumbs-ups and cackling because DAMN the world is just too goddamn full of jerks like you.

You know who you are. You know what you did. And you’ll get to watch all this indirect trash-talking about you and feel like the cretin you are. But I’m not going to name names, because I’m not fully committed to airing my dirty laundry. Too many specifics and people might start taking sides, even yours. If I’d wanted you to get sympathy, I would’ve posted something on your wall. But this is MY wall, bitch! The sympathy goes one way here, and that’s into my face.

Because let’s be real, here–it’s all about the sympathy. Man, when that one girl tells me to cheer up and that she hopes my day gets better–wow, that’ll be the exact mental salve I’ll need! And someone else will pray for me, I’m sure. To God and Jesus! Against you! Can you beat that? And yet another person, some guy, will remind me that things could always get worse, that other people are much worse off. Well! That will blow my freakin’ mind and turn my whole perspective around. So many kindnesses, it’ll be like I cranked the brightness on my monitor all the goddamned way up. The sun’ll break through the digital clouds, motherfucker! No way you’ll feel as good, getting anonymously flogged in a public forum. You’ll probably end up stifling sobs at your nondescript desk at your no-name company in your who-gives-a-shit job. Yeah. Good. You’ll digitally deserve it. Just ask all the people who will take my side in this. You’ll be able to see them if you visit my page. You’ll be able to see them taking the shit out of my side!

And one last thing while I’m on the subject of how much you suck: stop uploading that kind of photo of yourself! Seriously. You know the kind–the kind where you’re all bleeeaaaah-bleeeeeaaah, and bleeeeaaaaah-bleeeeaaaah-at-the-beach-lookit-me-and-my-ehhhhh, ehhhhh. It’s lame, and enough is enough.