I know I’ve been guilty of a lot of Top Ten lists in the past myself, so I thought I’d offer some basic pointers for those looking to get into the list-making game. Without further preamble, here then are the most important things to remember this year, determined through science:
10. If you put more than ten things on your Top Ten list, the next time you play chess with me I get to play with two extra pawns. Oh, you don’t think that’s fair? Some anarchist you turned out to be!
9. If you leave something off or put something on that you shouldn’t have, I will come to your house and stay either way too long or simply punch you in the face and disappear into thin air.
8. Most people probably already know your list is subjective opinion. You might not need to remind us all that your rankings are not factual or objective.
7. The most blatant lies are usually put in the number 7 and number 2 spots.
6. Generally #6 is freaking mind-blowing. This is where people will be surprised to find you so wise and erudite.
5. While you have never stood out in a crowd of 1,374,398 people, putting this list together and posting it online may/may not be the time you finally rise above the rest and get people to pay attention to you, although probably only if you’re ranking the top ten things your pet monkey or your pet robot did this year. (If you don’t have a pet monkey or pet robot, you should making getting one a New Year’s resolution.)
4. Putting a documentary about inner city life or a rap album on your list only gives your list credibility if you are ranking the best rap albums or documentaries about inner city life. Extra credibility, though, can be earned if the rap album appears on the documentary list and the documentary on the rap album list.
3. In all likelihood, you will enjoy the process and find it deeply rewarding, and it will help you understand what has happened to you this year, which was painful and horrible. Let’s hope it doesn’t happen again, though–the list-making.
2. It probably would have been a better use of your time to learn a new word in Spanish than to make your list. Did you know embarazada means pregnant, not embarrassed? Now you do, so I’ve undone that mistake for you. (Always remember to practice safe sex when making a list, even if making it en la ciudad de mexico.)
1. Someone will die, no matter what you do, while you write your list. Probably unrelated, but I thought you should know.